Year 2009

This year I have done lot of things and maybe it is hard for me to remember all little things, but I remember some. I also know that I have wasted a lot of time searching myslef in palces I never was. And maybe learning from it all wasn't always easy, but I am glad that I did.

The very first thing I remember - finishing high school. It was huge for me. I was so scared of exams, of course we all were, but for me exam results were extremely important - my future. Now sitting here and chillin it seems like so far away and I can even joke about it all, because all turned out pretty well.

Summer was weird. I wasted lot of time waiting for results, because I couldn't think about anything else. Yeah, I did some fun stuff too besides waiting and starwing myslef to death. We swam across the lake, went to Fono festival, to BW concert at Depo, read some good books, did a lot of work out to keep myslef fit. Then mum went to her brother to UK and I was in charge of all things at home. Results came and got in the Via :)

Starting studies was another huge thing for me. I found out that finally I have thing I would like to do for living and that I am in the right place. It feels like that.Studies occupied almost all my time. I felt good after all tons of work were done, but tottally exhausted, emo, tired and kinda lost.

There were like two BW concerts during studies, where I let out all bad things and tried to turn them in to something good. I love that band.

Dances also is great part of my life. I had my ups and downs, but I still love dancing and I will try to do my best at concert January second. All I need to remember is - why I started.

I would like to think that next year - 2010 will be like moving closer to my dreams, new expierences, adventures and stuff.

Sending all my best, white thoughts to the world and people.

Peace,

Andromeda

P.S. I learn from every day.

Christmas

One of my favorite holidays are Christmas.
This time it is hard for me to get right feeling inside, because everyone seem to be in to their own things, work or far away. And it's just me sitting without anything to do, thinking about all stuff and what it means to me.

Christmas for me is about being together with those who I love and working out little, magical,Christmas wonders. Baking gingerbread, going after Christmas tree, decorate it, feeling happy,tangerines, all Christmas scents, Christmas songs, Home alone movies, Christmas lights, candles,joy and tons of things or feelings I just can't write down, because there are no words for them or I just don't know the right way how to do it jet.

Yes, that's about it. I hope that emptiness I feel soon will pass away and this Christmas will be joyful and awesome. And I wish white snowy be here til holidays ends.

Guitar

When I was little kid my mum did give me choice - go to art school or music school. I was so small and choose to got to art school. And I am happy that I made that choice. I remember that argument for going to art school was - my sister already plays piano and that there are enough of musicians at home. The second hidden thing was, that even if I decided to go to music school it wouldn't be piano or violin, or anything like that, but a guitar. Mum would never buy it for me.

Why guitar? It is like finding missing pieces of myself. My dad use to play guitar and he also loved to draw and paint and all artistic things. I never had a chance to get know him, but there are lot of things every one have told me. Since I was kid I have this dream - learn to play guitar. It means a lot to me. I love the way guitar sounds and it is something magical to me.

So finally I have chance to buy it myself and to make one of my dreams come true. Now I just have to find teacher, who would teach me how to play, because I have no time for music school anymore.

And yeah, I am lefthander so my guitar will be left handed.

Why I love live shows so much...

This morning was so magical. Ok, at first it was a little bit hard for me to get out of bed and then get on the bus to home, but when I woke up I was feeling like I never went to bed, emotions still so bright and colorful.

First what I noticed was snow everywhere - just white, soft and peaceful snow. And later sun came out of clouds. Got on bus and put on music on my Ipod.

I guess this month was pretty hard for me, school, lot of work. All I was doing - learning, trying to concentrate as best as I could. There were a lot of emotions that I just had to keep to myself, not to burn or lose it.

And then after I was done all huge work, Bedwetters came! The reasons why I love this band so much are many - they are cool guys, who loves what they do. I love the way they connect with all people, I love that they are the way they are and that they are themselves no matter what.
I can see it at every show. They have their hearts at right place and that is most important thing. Love their music.
I totally respect them for all these things and wish them all the best. They are best band in Universe, right? ;)

Fun part of live shows - I can let out all the suppressed emotions and turn them into something positive - a joy. And not that it's just me there in the middle of crowd having fun, no! All people around and band on stage having fun together, charging each other with pure joy.

Concert was so awesome!!!!

And now thanks to Bedwetters, I feel peaceful again like the white snowy out side the window.

My pc is very slow today, I just wanted to blog a little, but I had to wait for 10 minutes while it opened this page.

Lately I have lot of work.
It is hard to force yourself to wake up earlier to do all stuff you weren't able to do day before, but somehow I survived that crazy week.

Now I guess this new week gonna be huge freedom if I compere the mount of tasks I needed to do.
I enjoy studying all interesting things about world, other cultures, history, places and religions. And more I get to know more I want to travel and see all things with my own eyes.

Right now I have to make presentation about worlds religious tourism and I'm telling you it is so fun!
I can't explain - I want to go to Tibet. There is something about that place, secret, mountains...Just ah, it would be so interesting, challenging, not easy.
Also India would be fun!

Starting my little things and peace rituals. Something for myself. Green tea, candles, meditation.

Time loop

And here I am again. Another Saturday just like week before, but not that it is same.
Lately I feel more and more exhausted and I have no idea how to keep my energy levels up. I must try something new, dunno - yoga, cold shower, tea.

My schedule is pretty tight - lectures, dances, all stuff they give us to do at home.
I know that there must be way how to not to pass out on book, but hell it's just not working jet.

And I really don't want my friends to think that I have forgotten them, cause I have not. Now I realize how hard it is to manage all things and that there is almost no time for my little things.

But I will make it work!

I like my fellow-students, they seem to be very friendly and smart people. Also I like what I'm studying.
"I like what I do, I do what I like" :)

These very last days been filled with joy and just unbelievable emotions. And I have so many people to thank for it. I love them all and there are no words for it, no hug big enough, no smile warm enough that can replace it.
I would like to share my feelings and give them something of my joy and even more for those who feels lost and stuck somewhere/nowhere.

I feel so alive and what's awesome - I feel like me.
You know, sometimes we get lost between all stuff that goes on around, between thoughts, idols, other people and we forget what we are. Yes! I'm so glad to be me.
Even other people notice and it makes me smile.

Now I feel no fear of what's out there, cause as long as I will be me, sure of what is right and wrong there is nothing that can stop me from my aims.
Love is what guides me, stars and belief in good.

Listening Metric - The Twist. Like it, cause it is different, something progressive.

I want to dance, I want to study and I want to read all my books. And after few days I will start to work my ass off for chasing those dreams I have. No matter how hard it might be.

Love, it doesn’t come twice,
Love is just one in lifetime,
It is like your coffins heavy cover,
It is like your day of birth.

It is not love that can
Tease for years and years to tear,
Love like lighting comes –
Comes, flash white and kills.

And that’s how we go. Days fade and brake.
In fire arrows desire just grows.
Lightning! Yours! And again it is not yours,
Flashes your friend and person close by.

One after another burns smiling
Blue lighting hit and bitten,
Lets pass on! Lets pass waiting,
Those who aren’t hit and killed by lightning.

/Imants Ziedonis translated by Andromeda/

And I want to believe, that somewhere out side, in the world there is someone, that one, that one true friend of my soul, other tore hearts half.

How many books on person can have? Like I said in previous post I had to help move some books form old apartment.It was like in library, so many books and I found some really good ones and classic as well. Nobody needed those books but it was like opened treasure chest. I love Shakespeare and now I guess I have pretty much of his work.
Now I just need to find some time to actually read them. There are so many books I think a person need to have and need to read.

Worked all day moving books form one side to other, dust everywhere and they were also a little heavy. Feeling little tired now.

This day was fun. The apple trees at our garden is kind of breaking down, apples are too many and too heavy. So we needed to find some peace of wood that could help them to hold those branches. Had to work a little with axe and saw, now they should hold.

After we had worked for some hours, I decided that it is a bit hot and that maybe I could try to swim. Few days ago I thought that water is cold, but this time it was perfect. I don't know how long I will keep up swimming, guess this is the last week when I can do it regularly. Later it could become risky. I don't want to get sick.

Actually, I don't remember when I was seriously sick. Since I started dancing and caring of my health year ago. Sure little cold for some two or three days is normal, it is nothing comparing how fucked up my immunity was. I feel so much better, much more healthy.

This day was so sunny and full of joy. Played poker and actually started to win. Someone got really angry, but yeah, it's just a game. The part of this game I love most is that you can beat others only pretending that you have best cards. Bluffin' is so much fun!!!

Tomorrow I have to help to move some books at old apartment. Did I say some books?
It is more like other library, maybe I will find some interesting stuff there.

Love my family. Miss mum, can't wait when she will be back home.

Just some thoughts

Time of changes, not only in my country, but also in my life.
It is a weird feeling, that I'm gonna be student. Some time ago I was thinking how cool it will be to be away from school and everything, how great it will be to be actually adult, but now it feels so strange.
I know that it will be fun, but I am also scared a little.

Summer is almost over. No, it is kinda over.
Yesterday a was in my garden, just sitting and listening music and the sky, air everything seemed to be different. More autumn than summer, water is also colder than week before.

Oh, and i haven't seen the Sea whole summer. At sea side I feel so clear minded, so small. My magical place, wide open space with water. What can I do about it?

A promise is a promise to me. 5th and 6th September I have to help with the sport games to those kids with different kind of mental problems. I feel so sorry for them and it makes me so happy, when they are smiling and they are happy.
At some moments it is so hard to believe that everything in this world is fair, maybe it isn't fair.

List of songs

My favorite song list.

These are songs that I can listen to many, many times and never get enough. Lyrics, music, voice. Sometimes I’m listening to the music, sometimes to words, sometime to both. Like them all same and it doesn’t matter which number is in front. These are only from my Ipod, there must be more I guess.

1. The Rasmus – No fear
2. The Rasmus – In the shadows
3. The Rasmus – Guilty
4. Bedwetters – Long.Some.Distance
5. Bedwetters – Every once in a while
6. Bedwetters – Source of inspiration
7. Bedwetters – Break the silence
8. Bedwetters – Dead end
9. Lostprophets – Last train home
10. The Killers – The world we live in
11. Deep insight – Rock with my band
12. Lostprophets – Everybody’s screaming
13. Silversun pickups – Rusted wheel
14. Silversun pickups – Lazy eye
15. Blink 182 – I miss you
16. Damien Rice – Rootless tree
17. Paramore – Decode
18. Blue October – Hate me
19. Linkin park – Leave out all the rest
20. Full Moon – The black ghosts
21. Silversun pickups – Panic switch
22. Linkin park – Breaking the habit
23. Deep insight – Time is a Remedy
24. Linkin park Nobody’s listening
25. Deep insight – Dream on
26. Muse – Supermassive black hole
27. Deep insight – Ordinary girl
28. Deep insight – Rhythm of the beat
29. Deep insight – One minute too late
30. Deep insight – New day
31. Paramore – I caught myself
32. Blink 182 – Shut up
33. Bullet for my valentine – Hand of blood
34. Busta Rhymes feat. Linkin park – We made it
35. Eminem – Lose yourself
36. Empire of the sun – We are the people
37. Fort Minor – Right now
38. Fort Minor – Kenji
39. Fort Minor – Slip out the back
40. Fort Minor – Be somebody
41. Fort Minor – The hard way
42. Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova – Falling Slowly
43. Hooverponics – Eden
44. In the nursery – Woman
45. Jason Mraz – Plane
46. Jay-Z & Linkin park – Izzo/In the end
47. Jay-Z & Linkin park – Numbencore
48. Korn – (cover) Another brick in the wall
49. Korn – Freak on a leash
50. Kosheen – Guilty
51. Kosheen – Suicide
52. Kosheen – Empty skies
53. Lifehouse – Everything
54. Metallica – Nothing else matters
55. Metallica – The day that never comes
56. Metallica – Turn the page
57. Michael Jackson – Blood on the dance floor
58. Michael Jackson – Thriller
59. Muse – Falling away with you
60. Muse – Butterflies and hurricanes
61. Muse – The thoughts of dying atheist
62. Muse – Ruled by secrecy
63. Nickelback – Rockstar
64. Paramore – Conspiracy
65. Paramore – My heart
66. Planet funk – Under the rain
67. Red hot chili peppers – Dani California
68. Rose Chronicles –Blood red
69. Rose Chronicles – Torn
70. Sister machine gun – Red
71. Smolik – S.Dreams
72. Terence Jay – One Blood
73. Thrive – Revenge
74. Eagles- Hotel California
75. 30 seconds to mars – Welcome to the Universe
76. 30 seconds to mars – From Yesterday
77. 30 seconds to mars – The fantasy
78. 30 seconds to mars – Revolve
79. 30 seconds to mars – The story
80. 30 seconds to mars – Oblivion
81. 30 seconds to mars – Fallen
82. Linkin park – Crawling
83. Linkin park – One step closer
84. Linkin park – In the end
85. Linkin park – High voltage
86. Linkin park – Easier to run
87. Linkin park – From Inside
88. Linkin park – Numb
89. Linkin park – Shadow of the day
90. Linkin park – Hands held high
91. Linkin park – The little things give you away
92. Linkin park - Qwety
93. Linkin park – Reading my eyes
94. Linkin park – My December
95. Limp Bizkit – Almost over
96. Limp Bizkit – Behind blue eyes
97. Limp Bizkit – Build the bridge
98. Limp Bizkit – Creamer (Radio is dead)
99. Limp Bizkit – Lonely World
100. Limp Bizkit – Take a look around
101. Scorpions – Wind of change

This day was awesome and weird, but then more awesome than weird. Spent it chilling with my best friend, talking, going for walk, laughing and remembering all the best stuff in this life, like pure joy and importance of doing things with joy. "Everything happens like it has to", "Everything has it's purpose" "We are star dust" And all that mattered to me was this joy and absolute good and amazing feeling of awareness and being happy. I like to be so clear minded, but sometimes there is so much stuff in your mind that there is problem to focus on one thing.
And then at evening I went out looked up to the sky and the moon was so red for a moment, I love moon, especially full moon like now. But the red color looked so weird...

Frecking headache!!!!

Everything seemed to be so cool yesterday, but then I felt that there was something wrong with my fu#king head. Like someone squeeze it, autch. Thought: ok, I will try to sleep and tomorrow all will be back to normal. Haha! I didn't work. First, I fell asleep for some 20 minutes maybe less and then I woke up with the worse headache ever. Went down to the kitchen holding myslef to walls and hoping that I won't fall. Found some medicine and thought that it will end soon, but hell yeah, it didn't work for about 3 hours, and even now I still feel kinda dizzy.
My worse porblem is that I can't handle any kind of pain, cried like I baby, luckly headaches are something that comes to me hardly ever, but when it comes...

All in all you're just another brick in the wall...

I hate being another brick in the wall, but sometimes you can't do there anything, while you just search and build your own world and rules. There is always some kind of frame that people try to put you in, sometimes it doesn't fit and then you feel like trapped animal, angry to whole world.
Trying really hard to put my mind out of cage and I will never give up.